PRE-Marital Matters


  Michael Igbinedion,esq

I pray everyone is well,mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically.


There is a difference between a marriage and a union. I will elaborate in another essay the difference. This article is about marriage. In my opinion the three (3) most important things balanced men should look for when they want to marry is the purpose of this article, though, it can apply to both sex. Yes the physical can attract them, your personality engage them, your financial prowess or independence is welcomed or alluring to them but all these are just bonuses and not the koko. Most men think the three (3) points below surreptitiously but do not know how to voice or express it.

(1) A partner that gives you the utmost confidence that they will be with you through thick and thin.

If your intuition is telling you that she will not be able to take the heat in the kitchen, live with you in a mud hut, Council housing, tenement or any lowly regarded accommodation if things turn pear shaped then run, run. Do not stick around to find out whether you are right or wrong. Your time, energy and purpose are way too valuable to test it. Remember no matter how comfortable you are or will be, life is ups and downs and sometimes more downs. I have seen very wealthy rich men bottom out, some made it back and many did not. I have also seen that many women did not stick around.

The truth is , it takes a great wife to withstand a husband who is financially, physically and perhaps mentally deteriorating. The misery can be unprecedented and visited on the wife if not well managed. It takes a divinely inspired wife to appreciate and continuously thank her God and husband for the good times, reassure him better days are ahead, comfort him, reignite his flame, PRAY and refuel his lost mojo. That fervent belief from a woman who truly loves you,for you, can be so powerful a potion that it can lift a man up from the abyss and doldrums. It can put a huge spring in his recovery steps and make him feel impregnable. With such a wife beside you, you start healing, your vulnerability lessens, your confidence reappears but most of all you will be so encouraged to do everything you can to bounce back so you can ensure that their prayers, trust and belief in you is not in vain. Men should always remember that a woman that went through hell with you has earned the right to go to heaven with you and not some new ( expletive expletive gal). Any disloyalty or betrayal to your spouse is unforgivable. The kind of hell you should go if you abandon your wife is unimaginable. Forewarned is forearmed, ‘women are angels but when someone breaks their wings they continue to fly on a broomstick.’ Yes they are flexible like that.’ ?? Beware my brothers !!!

(2) The partners general background and how they were raised.

If your potential partner is not of your ilk you may most likely face an uphill battle. In other words, find someone that understands your love language so you do not spend a lifetime translating. Pay attention to their home set up. Do not take it lightly. Find out how this set up has affected them positively or negatively. Coming from a rich or poor home is a guide but does not guarantee a happy marriage. Money can not buy love but that does not mean poverty can buy it either! Find out how a monogamous, polygamous and or a broken(single parent) home has affected your prospect. Do not have preconceptions and try not to be judgmental until you unravel. Each home has its positives and negatives. Monogamous home does not mean automatic loving environment, polygamous home does not mean division and unhappiness, a single parent does not mean challenged upbringing because some can be the most lovingly dedicated and well rounded rearers. A toxic upbringing can come from any of the three examples.

“A lot of people were not raised on love, they were raised on “SURVIVAL” and that is why you see many men and women not being able to love properly.” People that were hurt mostly end up hurting other people knowingly or unwittingly. You will find a lot of good-looking people damaged inside because of their past and you will not realize how damaged they are until you try and love them. Many People are mentally and psychologically destroyed and they are incapable of loving or being loved…” Every attempt will hit a brick wall.

Try to help and mend them if you must because sometimes where there is a will there is a way. No matter a person’s upbringing and malign social inoculation if they are determined to work with you to honestly overcome any inherent deficits it is a good sign. Nevertheless, I would like you to remember two things; love can be sometimes just like a fart, If you have to force it, it is probably crap anyway and some prospective partners will always have issues with you because your benevolent spirit irritates their demon. Be careful!!!

(3) Kindness (“God fearing “).

Please revert to my write up Nice v Kind. I know some people will say finding a God fearing partner should be too of the list. Okay?!! The term “God fearing” is so loosely used in Africa and so broad it is almost meaningless. If you are not kind you are not God fearing. Simple!!! Forget about the dogmatic propaganda of mainstream religions. The DNA of any benign religion should be KINDNESS. Kindness is love, kindness is God. God is love. “Kindness Is Non-judgemental, It Is Non-Condemning, It Is Non-Arrogant, it should not be Boastful or a Photo-up. If there is no sincerity or love in your kindness you are merely giving giving. Giving bereft of genuine goodness is the lowest form of kindness.

Love is kindness to others. Some of the people who attend mainstream religious services are the most judgmental and pretentious individuals. Their actions are diametrically opposed to “God fearing” but they wear that disposition badge on their forehead. Pretentious purity I call it. Water which is pure has no fish. Do not be fooled by those who use God fearing as mere terminology or bait. Try and unveil, discern who is genuinely kind and who is pretentiously nice. Look away from their lips and pay attention to their spirit.


If your relationship/ marriage has hit the rocks or going pear shaped the three (3) examples examined might give you some answers. While evaluating, remember that you are also being analyzed. Do not call the kettle black. Do not have the self delusion of grandeur or air of arrogance thinking you are the perfect or finished article. Everybody comes into a relationship incomplete. The right partner over time will complete you and make you a better person. Be a mirror that reflects kindness to your partner. Bring out the loving kindness they may still not see in themselves. Be a reflection, a proud example of what you want to see in others.

Wishing all God ordained relationships the very best, continuous improvements, more spirit and love but most of all God’s blessings, guidance and protection.

To be continued-( Women version).


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